As with the rest of the world, I am absolutely sick of this virus. I am tired of it because I am scared. I am tired of seeing people ripping each other apart on social media. I am weary thinking of everyone out there with no idea when their next pay day will come or how they will feed themselves and their families. I’m fearful for all of those on the front lines worried about what they may be dragging inside their houses with them. I’m worried for those children stuck at home with abusive parents. I’m worried for those stuck at home with abusive spouses. I feel terrible for those out there getting screamed at because the store is out of the dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets which are the only thing the screamers child will eat. Will the company I work for make it through this? Will we have everything we need? Am I worrying too much about this or not enough? The media is exhausting, the politicians are exhausting, and my head will not stop spinning round and round about all of this madness….
Enough.
My anxiety was through the roof this morning and I just could not calm myself down. All of the thoughts mentioned above were spiraling unchecked through my head as I worked. My husband was reminding me of something I had to get done today when I broke. I cried. I just could not lock all of the chaos and calamity out of my head today and I could not stop worrying. He looked at me, asked why I was crying and then offered to help me however he could. It turns out that was exactly what I needed. He went to the school to pick up my 6 year olds next round of school work, and helped me round out the rest of my day. That one little offer of help and sincere concern was all it took to pull myself back together.
Yesterday the kids were running around the house playing hide and seek. My husband and I were at our computers. After one particularly loud moment of my 6 year screaming at my 13 year old, repeatedly calling him a liar and a cheat for lying about his hiding spot, my husband turned and looked at me pointedly. I expected a, “Hey let’s make them calm down”. Instead he looked at me coolly with those amazing blue eyes of his and simply said, “Wanna get the nerf guns?” What followed was two hours of ridiculousness. We all ran around the house with each other, laughing, screaming, diving behind furniture and plotting on each other. The furniture were used as barricades, a body pillow was a shield, a box was turned into an imaginary turret, and I found myself on the floor crawling from space to space always on the lookout for the enemy. Our lovable mastiff turned into a war dog, while the cat darted around in absolute terror at the madness unfurling before his eyes. We played until we were exhausted and starving. Then dinner was whatever anyone wanted. Meaning, my husband had chili cheese nachos, my 13 year old had regular nachos, my 6 year old had a blueberry waffle peanut butter sandwich with applesauce on the side, and me? Well I of course had a salad. (then two spoonful’s of peanut butter later shhhhhh). Either way it was amazing. The entire world shut up for two glorious hours and it was just us, our crazy imaginations, laughter and love. Even in times like these where everything is insane and the noise will not stop, when you feel like all of the uncertainty is going to break you, please for the love of everything find something that will bring you happiness and peace. The madness will rage on throughout the world whether you are constantly worrying about it or not. The effect of this pandemic, the stay at home orders, the giant disruption to our everyday lives even if it has only been for a short time is taxing on your mental health and it is so easy to get lost in it.
After my husband offered his help and a break from my overly exhausted mind, not only did I feel better but I reminded myself that breaking down is ok. That sometimes we need to break down even if we have everything we need in that moment. We are all mentally exhausted. We all think others that don’t share our way of thinking are going to be the ruin of us all, while they think the same of us. There is no black and white here just a sea of gray uncertainty and an overall sense of loss. I hope this is all over soon. I hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Be kind to yourself during this time and be kind to others. You never know what any person is going through at any given point in time. Reach out to those that you know may be struggling. Reach out to those you think are ok. Never forget that strong people tend to put on a very good front but may be crippling inside. Take care of each other mentally. Take care of yourself. Last but definitely not least do not be too proud to reach out for help.